Sunday, July 17, 2011
[my heart has an owie]
We've all needed a band.aid at one time or another. For anything from minor scratches to deep cuts. We hurt ourselves and needed to protect that "owie" from the contaminates and germs in the world. A band.aid also protected our wound from further harm and damage. Eventually that dreaded day would come when we must face the music and remove the band.aid. It has served it's purpose and is no longer helpful or necessary. In order for our wound to heal it has to be exposed. No one looks forward to baring a wound and removing the band.aid can be painful. Over time the band.aid has so adhered to our skin that it becomes difficult to pull off without causing some degree of pain. We often begin the removal process by testing the waters. Peeling back just enough of the edge to see how much pain we are in for. The minute we feel the tug on our skin we re.adhere the band.aid to it's former place. Of course, this only makes the eventual tearing that much more painful. At some point we must make a decision: we're either going to live in fear of the pain and allow the band.aid that was once a protection to our wound to become a hindrance to it's healing or we're going to suck it up, get a grip, take a deep breath and rip it off as fast as we can. Once we tear it off we realize something. We were right, it did hurt, but only for a second. Now our wound is exposed. It's ugly and messy but the longer it is aired out the more it heals. Until, one day it disappears completely or leaves a scar but either way it is no longer causing us pain. It has healed.
God gave me this analogy in my prayer time this morning. I think it is a beautiful illustration of what holds us back from healing from our past traumas. I have wanted change in my life for so long. I used to believe it was everyone else that needed to change. If my husband would just read my mind and do what I want then I wouldn't be so controlling. If my kids would just obey me then I wouldn't have to be so angry all the time. If my friends would just live the way I think they should then I wouldn't spend endless time worrying and obsessing over their problems. I'm only now realizing that it's not everybody else. It's me. I'm codependent. And not just a little bit.
The band.aid in this analogy represents my codependent habits and reactions. When my wound was fresh and bleeding I developed these habits to cope and survive. They WERE necessary. They saved me and kept me sane. But, I never knew when to "remove the band.aid" so to speak. God is showing me that day has come. In order for me to become a healthy functional adult I must remove these character defects that once protected me. They are such a part of me at this point that it is hard to separate myself from them without experiencing a great deal of pain. But, I know God is with me. He is holding me tight and He will only give me what He knows I'm strong enough to handle at this point in my recovery. I have so much hope that I can and will change. I refuse to live this way anymore. I refuse to keep attaching myself to other people in an unhealthy dysfunctional way. I refuse to be angry all the time because I internalize and repress my feelings. I refuse to let other people's emotions control me. I am ready to be free from my past and the codependency that developed from it. I am ready to heal.
Posted by heatherfarias at 10:08 AM