Monday, May 16, 2011

[I don't like labels]

So, I recently posted a blog about my struggles with our miscarriages and alcohol.  In this blog post I mentioned being an "alcoholic".  This didn't settle with me even after writing it because to me an alcoholic is someone who drinks uncontrollably.  What I have realized is that I need a new word to define my issues with alcohol.  I have come to realize that I drink to bury my pain and emotions.  My life has not always been pleasant and because of that I learned to complusivly numb myself from feeling pain.  Whether it would be having a few strong drinks, binging out on desserts for a whole day, starving myself for as long as I can last, overly exercising, sleeping allot, not sleeping at all, cleaning my house to the point of insanity or baking thousands of cookies... I learned to use compulsive [some healthy some not] behaviors to systematically get myself through painful circumstances.  At one time it was necessary for survival but now that I have Christ in my life I am slowly but surely learning new ways of coping and learning to actually feel my feeling.  I now know that when I'm feeling down I have to fight the urge to return to my compulsions [any of them] that make me feel normal but to turn to God instead and allow myself to feel whatever emotions I feel.  That, however, does not mean that I can no longer have an alcoholic beverage, eat candy, work out or clean my house.  I just have to constantly be checking my motives for doing such things.   Life is all about balance.