Wednesday night we went to "First Wednesday" at Central Christian Church. One of the worship songs was "Desert Song" by Hillsong. That song got me through this last miscarriage. So, I was overwhelmed by God's love & truth as I sang. I even put my hands in the air in front of Brandon for the first time and I sang as loud as I possibly could (even during the quiet parts when people can actually hear you haha). Then it came time for communion and as I bowed my head to pray I could not think of a single thing to say to God. Then out of nowhere I began to speak. To speak things I had no intention of saying, things I didn't even realize about myself. I'm convinced this is what God means in the Romans8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I had no idea what to say to God but the Holy Spirit knew EXACTLY what I needed to say.
And here are the words that came out:
"Lord, call me back, lead me home. I want to give up. I want to drink and numb my pain. It is ALL I think about from the moment I rise until the moment I go to sleep at night. I'm in Celebrate Recovery but not even attempting to admit my struggles. Forgive my disobedience. I am so happy I'm not pregnant because that means I can get drunk. I am so sorry God. Forgive me. Help me. Forgive me, Lord. Thank you for loving me even when I fall. In Jesus Holy name, AMEN!"
As these words came out I cried uncontrollably. I sat through the next song of worship ["You are my Savior"] and just cried. I cried because of the prayer I didn't know I'd say. I cried because it was true. I cried because I was far from God. I cried for the babies I wanted so bad but couldn't keep. I cried because I realized I'm an alcoholic. I cried mostly because God loves me so much that He chose to speak to me before I acted on my desire to drink and I cried because I knew now I wouldn't be able to.
Then this morning (Thursday) I came before the Lord to pray. I prayed and confessed my wrongs: my desire to get drunk, my anger at my husband, the way I talk about others and my doubts that started Tuesday night. Tuesday night Brandon and I went to see Bad Religion in concert. Listening to the lyrics that once were the sound track to my anti-Jesus life brought me to a place of doubt. I started having questions: Wasn't I happier when I didn't know God? Have I been deceived? Is God real?
I couldn't believe that after how much God has done in my life I would have these doubts! I started to miss my old life of sin. Life used to be carefree. I got drunk all day everyday. I never felt any pain (so I thought). And I wondered... Is God worth it?
Well, after last night I can say YES!
God is so worth it! He IS real! He hears my prayers, He moves in my life and He loved me enough to die for me!
This morning as I repented of my doubts I began to think about "fear of the Lord". Which I, obviously, was lacking. If I feared God at all I wouldn't doubt Him. I prayed that God would forgive me for not fearing Him. For not fearing His authority. I asked Him to speak to my heart as I read His word. After my prayer I read my devotional and it said to read Proverbs2:1-22.
Here is part of it:
"My son if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding, Yes, if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, if you seek her as silver and search for her as hidden treasures. THEN you will understand the fear of the Lord," Proverbs2:1-5 {NKJV} -emphasis added-
WOW!!!! God is so good!
<3 You know how blessed I feel to be your friend along your walk, and I am so thankful we have a God that loves us NO MATTER WHAT. <3 Thank you for sharing this, I am sure it will help someone (if not many) to come to repentance and grieving. I love you!
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